worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
