after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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