The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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