I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
