Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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