You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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