FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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