got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
