Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
