wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
