Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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