i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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