How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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