dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
