My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
