The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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