where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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