I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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