I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
