She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
