The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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