Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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