please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
