I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
