...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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