I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
