Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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