I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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