It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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