So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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