Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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