my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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