if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
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