I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
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something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
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the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.