Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
No subtext here. People are naked.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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