I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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