Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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