His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
