If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
