the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
