becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
