My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
