I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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