when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
