after a month anything with tits is on the radar
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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