someone threw a dead crab at me
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
