Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
