Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
How external is "for external use only"?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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