I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
