First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
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Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
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It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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