It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
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I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
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I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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