who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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