who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
