We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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