You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
