for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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