I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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